


Radio Blah Blah

by herecomesawkward



Series: Radio Ga Ga [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Catwoman (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Gotham City Sirens (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Poison Ivy (Comics)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Based on a Tumblr Post, Batfamily (DCU), Crack, Gen, Harley has a radio show, Humor, Jason and Harley just hang out sometimes, Radio, Relationship Advice, also they bet on Tim's sex life, crack treated mildly seriously, it's so much better than you can imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26621989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herecomesawkward/pseuds/herecomesawkward
Summary: Bruce just wants to enjoy a night off.The Sirens have hijacked a radio station and are giving relationship advice.Also, one of his kids is betting on another's sex life and he hates everything.
Relationships: Pamela Isley & Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Series: Radio Ga Ga [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952284
Comments: 13
Kudos: 165





	Radio Blah Blah

**Author's Note:**

> There's a post on Tumblr about how Harley would run an amazing radio advice station. This is based on it, since there is no way anything I write can be better than what was already written.
> 
> https://nonasuch.tumblr.com/post/628005384379154432/great-now-i-actively-want-someone-to-start-a

Bruce Wayne just wanted to enjoy his night off. He rarely got any, as any nights not spent being Batman were usually spent at a Gala or helping whichever Green Lantern had most recently returned to Earth set up their cable.

Surprisingly, John was the most…challenged, while the only text he had ever received from Guy Gardner had been meant for Hal. He assumed. He hoped.

Either way, this was Bruce’s first true night off in over two months and so far, it had consisted of helping Damian with his homework (enjoyable if startlingly normal), going through the drive-through at McDonalds, and then going through the drive-through again because he had trained his children too damn well and the moment he paid with his credit card, three different texts had poured in asking for fries.

Four actually, but since Bruce knew that Tim and Steph were patrolling together tonight, one didn’t count.

Flipping through the radio in Gotham was a bit of a crapshoot. Some channels were good, some were bad, and some were just downright weird. Why someone would repeatedly broadcast nothing but the two minutes of leaked audio from the JLA fight last month was beyond him. Though he still stopped on the channel just to enjoy hearing Dinah chew out Oliver for…honestly, Bruce didn’t know why, but he still loved to hear it.

His phone buzzed on the seat next to him and he pulled over to look at it.

TURN ON 94.7 ASAP.

Why on earth did Duke want him to turn on the radio? Flipping back a couple of stations, Bruce only caught the tail end of a conversation.

“-so much for him and it feels like it’s never good enough!”

“I get it honey, and I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better!” Bruce froze in horror, french fry halfway to his mouth. Why the fuck was Harley Quinn on the radio? Better yet, how the fuck was Harley on the radio? “That sounds like a really toxic environment and you said you’ve been dating how long?”

The woman on the other end of the line sniffled. “Little over a year.”

“Okay, my advice is, and please remember that I lost my license so this isn’t coming from an accredited medical professional, but if this had been going on for that long, it most likely isn’t going to change. You deserve someone who will love and respect you, and he hasn’t been.”

“But,” the woman broke off into soft sobs for a moment before pulling herself together, “it took me so long to find someone who liked me for me, you know? What if I never find someone again?”

“Honey, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my many, many, _many_ mistakes, it’s that whenever life closes a door on your neck, somewhere in the same house, a window opens. Leave yourself open to love and it’ll find you.

“After everything I’ve been through with the Joker, I never dreamed someone could look at me with anything other than disgust. But through a fuck-ton of therapy – am I allowed to say fuck?”

“Fuck is absolutely allowed.” Oh sweet baby Kryptonians, that was Selina. Bruce looked anxiously at his phone and yup, there was a text sent three hours earlier saying she had a thing come up and she’d be home late. A smirk played across his lips. That was his Cat.

“Good. Monique, I thought I’d used up all my chances with that trashcan of a human being. But after a ton of therapy and the support of my friends, I realized that I was a wonderful person, deserving of love. Honey, have you killed anyone?”

“Uh, no?”

“Then you’re far better off than I am. And if I was able to find happiness again, you definitely can.”

Monique sniffled again before speaking, the tremor in her voice gone. “Damn straight!”

“Good girl!” Bruce could tell the exact smile Harley had on her face from that tone alone. “You live together?”

“…yeah.”

“Okay, stay on the line and Red’ll set you up with whatever you need. Compliments of everyone’s favorite furry, Batman!” Bruce spat out a mouthful of coke at that.

“Stay strong Monique. You got this.”

“Thanks Harley.”

“Honey, it is my genuine pleasure. Hello to our next caller, welcome to Help from Harley, how can I help you?”

“Sorry, I don’t actually have a question for you, but for Poi-Miss Ivy.”

There was a crackle of static before Ivy’s voice was heard.

“I can’t kill your boyfriend, no matter how much he sucks.”

“Uhhhh…that wasn’t my question, but now I have like ten more.”

“Start with the first one.”

“Oh! So, I got a succulent from my boyfriend because I swear, if you have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. But even though I’ve been watering it once a week, it’s still looking, well, very not green. My name is Annie, by the way.”

“You said you water it once a week?”

“Yeah, just a shot glass or so.”

“Okay, that’s way too much. Succulents only need an ounce a month or so. Stop watering it and give it two weeks or so. If it doesn’t look better, it’s probably too far gone and you won’t be able to do anything for it.”

“Would you be able to do something? Elmer never even had a shot and I feel bad.”

“You named your succulent Elmer?”

“…There is a slight probability that I may have been drunk and watching Sesame Street when it happened.”

Ivy laughed, and only because Bruce knew her could he hear Harley cackling in the background.

“Annie, I like you. If it’s not better by those two weeks, swing by Robinson Park and I’ll take a look.”

“Will it be one of those ‘you won’t find me, I’ll find you’ situations?”

“Basically – no Harley, she’s an adult we can’t adopt her.”

“Yeah,” and there was Selina again, “adopting random strangers is Batman’s thing.”

Harley squealed a bit, “oh yeah, forgot. Oh, speaking of Robins, could someone please remind Red Hood that he owes me fifty bucks?”

“Wait, did Hood borrow money from you?” Selina seemed amused.

“What? Oh, no, I won our bet.”

“What on earth did you bet on?”

A pause.

“You know how Red Robin and Superboy are dating?”

“As I caught them making out in my apartment, yes.”

“Well,” and the glee in Harley’s voice was evident and Bruce braced himself for the inevitable mental pain he just knew he was about to experience. “I saw Spoiler flirting with Superboy, and since she and Red Robin are exes, I bet Hood fifty bucks all three were hooking up.”

“And Hood bet against that?”

“He said there was no way Red was dating two people who were both that much hotter than him.”

Selina laughed so hard that Bruce almost didn’t wish for brain bleach.

“Oh my god, this is amazing.” Annie was still on the line and laughing hysterically. “Please tell me this is going to be a regular thing, because I would pay good money to listen.”

“Aww, thanks. Cat, think you can convince Bats?”

A purr, and then “definitely.”

“Thanks to our listeners and thanks for calling Annie! Next caller-”

Bruce switched off his radio and sent off a message to Damian.

YOU’RE NEVER ALLOWED TO DATE.


End file.
